a waNdereR's Love

~iTz aLL about famiLy~

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

hMmm..waD a meNdak eveNing. tO cooL off mY aNger & exasPeratiOn, i retreaTed to my rooM. pLayed & repLayed raYa soNgz oN my PC. wraPPed deaR's pweSent. [wuNder weN i caN geT 2 pass hiM thaT..?]; bUm aroUnd & tooK a naP. brOke faSt. cLeaniNg agaiN. sTone. toKked 2 deaR. nOw heRe.

pOor deAr sPent his daY in keM. last nYt of his staNDby duTies. vaD to dOo. liFe as a greeN frOggie not eaSy, i guEss. *griNzz* miSs hiM nonetheLess..hoPe 2c hiM sOon & ceLebraTe his birfdaE wiF hiM. =D

tiNk aPak kNew i waS reaL maD@hiM fEr beIng incessantLy maD.

d coLd waR begInz. he sUre waLked on eGg sheLLz. usuaLLy he Juz enTerz mY rOOm. surprisE, surPriSe. to waKe me uP foR bUka, he knOcked my dOOr.

tHru'oUt d breaK fasT meaL. i juZ kePt quieT. maLas naK caKap baNyak2. i jUZ caNnot Live wiF misTakes maDe & gLosseD oVer. wHatmore if d misTake wS maJor. I reaLi haTe peopLe whO miniMise On waD deY haVe dOne wrOng; eveN if iT meaNz deY r mY owN pareNtz.

aaRgh. pFftt. tiNk i'M juz jaDed wiF d normaL sayingz oF diS diS peopLe r pareNtz, sO juz giVe n taKe; sO dUn taKe heaRt oF waD's beeN saiD. frUSt toNggeK tseH giNi macaM. oNce in awhiLe i caN accePt. bUt if iT's a cOnstaNt haBit which is Bad & affeCtiNg otHerz badLy; i tiNk i canNot coMproMise on my vaLues juZ beCause u r mY paRentZ.

*siGhz* agaiN.

nyT passEd wiF me cleariNg uP d haLL dispLay cuPboard. i din eVen saY anYthing whiLe i waS out in d haLL. i'D raTher cLam up & guaRd mY heaRt & dO my owN stuFfz. dIn eveN lOok@hiM. geRam saNgat2.

maYb iT seeMz tOo much, d waY i'm reaCting i meaN. bUt pLease duN taKe dis instaNce oUt of coNtexT.

i beLieVe i haVe gone thrU mucH, as aN individuaL & a dauGhter liviNg in dis famiLy. oF laTe, i tiNk moSt of mY grouses & muSes r a resuLt oF a whOle baggAge oF hisTory in d famiLy.

terOk kaN? macaM oraNg takLe leT go. NOT.

i caN forGive & haVe foRgiven d tiNgz taT haVe goNe wroNg in d famiLy. But tiNg is, foRgeTting is anotHer issUe. weN aLL seeMz weLL, anotHer insTance oCcurs; unLeashIng bacK preViouS moMentz. hOw caN i foRget deN?

i muZ confeSs taT d waY i waS brOught uP; or @leaSt d waY i haD to grOw up haD leD me to seLf-develoP a senSe of indepeNdence. i dO not tiNk taT mY abiLitiEs aS an indepeNdent laDy waS borNe out of nurTure. i woUld raTher beLieve taT it aRose oUt of naTure.

Itz saiD taT biG famiLies r fuN aNd haPpening. yeaHz. i geT my fair shaRe of paMperiNg my nieCes n nePhewZ & sisTerLy boNding sessiOnz. bUt withIn taT biG picTure r paTches oF cLiquez, sibLing squabbLez, d gUd versUs d baD & irreSponsibLe, d Gud & oFten misuNderstOod, d baD wrongLy pLaced on d pedestaL..N sO on & so forTh.

sumtyMz, i feeL myseLf so diffeRent frOm my sibLingz. i caN't heLp tinKing sumtymZ taT mY diFfereNce, or raTHer uniqueneSs..waS a pure circuMstantiaL preSsure.

i m often misUnderstOod. mY voIce often unhearD. i m AlwaYs misInterpreteD & d impressIon i giVe - negatiVe. yeT, i m d oNe depended On, d One seeKed to aiR grieVancez, d One caLLed oN aS d settLer of kiNdz.

nOw i tiNk i sound Like sum1 in dirE neeD oF attenTion & recogniTion. perHapz i dO. cOs d nOn-expecTant souL taT giVes n giVes caN b saPPed oF iTs enerGy, it abiLity to toLeraTe. hOPe couLd b bLeaKed ouT frOm dis heaRt taT wisHes a beTta tomorroW.

iS taT too mucH to asK foR?

mY, mY. 'tiS so compLicaTed. werK & famiLy liFe becOMez sOo inTertwIned. sUm tiNgz i deaL wiF in mY werK, i geT reaL liFe episoDez & 1st haNd accOuntz rYt undeR my rOOf.

LoVe deM. deTest deM. famiLy's 1 turMoiL tuNneL.

aNy1 fOr deFF lePparD's "wHen Love & haTe cOLLide" @diS hoUr?

cOme faJ. iTz hePi hoUr. oFf 2 d Land of dreaMz. hiT d buTtOn.

nOnchalaNCe. igNoraNce. LeMme basK in diS fOr d moMent. aAaaAahhhHhh.....

-thOughTz sPoKen @ 6:11 PM :)